My question is about in-law relationships. I am in an awkward situation, I guess. My mother-in-law is very self-centered. She thinks the world evolves around her and if it doesn't it's some kind of an attack against her to make her feel bad or something. She goes around putting people down all the time. She is a very dominating person, also. She wants everyone under her thumb. She cries to get attention and she exaggerates situations to make herself look like the victim so people will feel sorry for her. If it's not all about her the world is over as she knows it. Honestly, I can't stand people that are like that. You can't confront her about the way she acts because she starts crying and goes on and on about how you must hate her and that she has done nothing wrong. Every time I am around her she tries to make me feel like I am the stupidest person in the world and that my family knows nothing. She puts my mom down all the time and she doesn't even know my mom. She talks bad about me behind my back. She makes mean comments about the way we live because it's not 'her' way. She cried when she found out that we were having a boy because she wants another granddaughter and everyone keeps having boys. She treats her grandsons like crap when her granddaughter is around. I'm sure it will be the same when my son is born and he gets older. He doesn't deserve that. I can't stand to be around her at all and the rest of the family is pretty much insane, too. It's my husband’s family and I don't know if I am supposed to just grin and bear it or tell him he can go see them and leave me at home? He has tried talking to her about the way she treats me and she just says we hate her and we don't love her or some other random feel sorry for me stuff.  I don't know what to do.

Dear desperate-daughter-in-law,

It’s amazing how true the saying is: when you marry a man, you marry his family.  Our families are a part of who we are, and the beautiful thing about marriage is that you all of a sudden find yourself with an extra set of people whose issues you must overlook in favor of simply loving them.  The key to maintaining your sanity is remembering that you can always accept a person without accepting his/her behavior.

Chances are, your mother-in-law has been this way for most of her life. Before anything else, you must realize that it is who she is, and changing her is not going to be your business -- dealing with her in a healthy way will be.

The first thing you must do is verbally communicate to her how her actions affect you. One of the most powerful statements I ever heard actually came from Oprah, and has been repeated to me by several different people throughout my life – no one can make you feel anything. No one else can control your emotions and force them in one way or the other. Granted, they will try – this is called manipulation, and as I stated before, I do not tolerate it. An effective way of communicating your emotions is using the “When you…I feel…” approach. For example, “When you cried because we were having a boy, I felt like you were not excited that we were having a baby,” or, “When you insult my mom, I feel hurt because I love my mother very much.”

Now, if she starts in on the you-hate-me-I’m-a-horrible-mother business, you have to keep your cool. Do not respond to her with anger or sympathy – instead, let her know that you do love her, but her behavior is hurting you deeply, and you are letting her know these things because you would like to maintain a healthy, loving relationship with her.

Keep in mind that she may not know how to treat you with consideration and respect. Be prepared to let her know what you need from your relationship, and what you are willing to give in return. Ask her to respect the way that you have chosen to live your lives by not saying negative things about you and your family – and, in exchange, you will respect her and the way she has chosen to live her life.

In-laws are extremely important because of the investments that each of your families make throughout your lives and your children's lives; however, your first priority must now be your own family – your husband and your child, just as you and your child must be your husband’s first priority. The two of you can control the influences in your life, and you have the chance to make a very peaceful, healthy home for your son. If it appears that your mother-in-law is not responding to your efforts, I suggest that you and your husband seek counsel from a pastor or trusted friend before making any major decisions about the situation. I wish you all the best.

--relationship girl 

(Note to readers: I apologize for the delay. My desire to handle this question very carefully and respectfully required some time in thoughtful consideration of my response. Please resume posting your questions as you may have them.)

It seems as if everything, when looking around for a prospect, must be a game - specifically a mind game - in order to "get" them.  Now, these seem to continue on into the relationship.  One person feels they must manipulate to keep the other interested and guessing just so they won't leave.  And vice versa.  Why would someone feel the need to give into manipulation from the other person?  And why is manipulation a required part of a relationship? 

Dear sick-of-the-mind-games,

First of all, let us distinguish between manipulation and dating mind games. The word manipulation carries with it a much more serious connotation than the latter. When I think of manipulation existing in a relationship, I think of a very unhealthy offense. Many times manipulation begins in the dysfunctional family unit and then carries over into other types of relationships. Tolerating manipulation in a relationship is only sending a loud and clear signal that the manipulator's behavior is acceptable and healthy when indeed it is the exact opposite. I do not tolerate it, and I am of the very firm opinion that no one else should.

Now, that having been said, I think you are indeed referring to manipulation's distant cousin, dating mind games. The beginning stages of a relationship with all of the questions and uncertainties can be so overwhelming. You wonder if he likes you, if he knows that you like him, if he'll ask for your number or if you should offer it first, when he's going to ask you out or if you should make the first move...and before you know it, you have spiraled into a state of confusion that leaves you feeling helpless and out of control. Naturally, most people don't prefer the lay-your-cards-on-the-table approach so early on, so we look for "creative" ways to let that lucky someone know how we feel without ever having to say how we feel. This, my friend, is what we call the dating game. It's what we do when we can't verbally express our desires but we are far too desperate to leave them unfulfilled.

But why can't we verbally express our desires? Why do we resort to these games? Well, we're afraid of being hurt. We're afraid of being rejected. We're afraid of making fools of ourselves and being thought too forward or too desperate. So instead, we gussy ourselves up and begin The Elaborate Dance. But is this the only way? Must we always either cloak ourselves or lay ourselves bare to find relationship bliss?

I don't believe so. I believe you can be intentional without inspiring a restraining order. I believe you can remain slightly guarded without being Fort Knox. It's all about moderation. Emotions don't have to be extreme to be obvious.

Not every potential mate merits this effort, though. You must first decide that it is a worthwhile endeavor. Then, at every juncture, be honest. Be patient - with yourself and the fabulous man down the hall who just won't get around to asking for your number. Don't try to make him chase you - if he's interested, he will. And if you're interested, you'll respond accordingly. The key to achieving this beautiful balance is a quiet trust that you will find what you are meant to find without having to chase it down or manipulate it into being. 

There are so many more things I could say - you have all asked me some very thought-provoking questions, and I appreciate it...although it is very challenging.

The bottom line, I believe, is this - dating games do exist. Manipulation does exist. Many relationships are indeed overrun with these two elements. But you can always rise above the standard, it just takes honesty and patience. So get out there, armed with your independence and know that you don't have to achieve the norm...you can do much better.

--relationship girl

i just want to know why everyone is so relationship-oriented.  why does everyone think they're only half a person, and that they'll only become whole when they have another half attached to them at the hip (or elsewhere, for that matter)?  is it our genetic predisposition to propagate the species?  if so, then what makes us anything more than animals?  are we no more than animals?  are thoughts and emotions and all that "higher order" stuff just more tools for us to use in the game of love, like peacocks' feathers and pheremones?  in short, why is there such a stigma on being single?

Dear single-with-a-stigma,

First of all, I don’t use pheromones. I don’t know who told you that, but it’s not true. And those peacock feathers are leftover from Mardi Gras last year. Don’t ask.

Now, since you have indeed asked me seven questions, I will answer the one in italics and allude to the other six. Thank you for your questioning enthusiasm.

I think that there is definitely a stigma on being single…and it is mostly prevalent in the South. The marrying age is statistically younger here than in other parts of the country. Why? Several reasons perhaps…we’re in the Bible belt, there’s not anything else to do down here in the farmlands, or we’re trying to marry quickly and raise sons who will rise up and, once again, secede from the Union. I’m not sure.

I think that most every human being has felt the overwhelming need to share his or her life with another…to be attached to that special someone at the hip. While there are obvious physical benefits to this type of relationship, I do not think that is why most of us seek it out. I know that I, personally, have an overwhelming desire to know and be known…and still be loved. I think there is a stigma on being single because it feels so great to be in love. And those who have experienced it…are experiencing it…want everyone else to feel it, too. While those who have not experienced it…are not experiencing it…want to be left alone until they do.

We are so much more than animals, my friend. We are living, breathing, loving beings who are just eager to live out in the flesh the reflective manifestation of what we believe is the ultimate relationship – a relationship with God.

With that in mind, I encourage you to do away with the single stigma and find creative ways to view the single life. First of all, view it as a gift. If it is where you are right now, it is where you are intended to be. In this moment, it is a gift. And when you go home for the weekend and everyone asks you who you’re dating or why you’re single, shut them up with some very clever responses like, “We’re still waiting for the results of that paternity test so the judge said it’d be best if I didn’t make any new messes for a while,” or “I’m too busy trying to get into astronaut school.”

No matter what, make sure you have convinced yourself that you are okay with being single. Somehow what everyone else thinks just seems to go away after that.

--relationship girl

My First Question:

i have a serious problem.  why is it that when i find someone who i truly care about and actually want to be with...i end up pushing him away because of my own insecurities?  my mother says i have "abandonment/engulfment issues" and she says that i have the horrible habit of wanting passionately what i cannot have...and pushing away what i can. 

this is not solely an issue of "high standards."  it is more than that.  i have can't seem to stay with people...who i fall in love with...because i'm afraid that there is some flaw within myself that will eventually cause him to wake up and think, "i don't want to be with her anymore.  she is jacked up in the head."  even if i know, deep down, that the guy absolutely will not do that...i still question.

why can't i allow myself to be happy?
help me relationship girl!

Dear jacked-up-in-the-head,

First of all, thank you for posting the first question on my site. You seem to be a very performance-oriented person…good grades, strong work ethic, commitment to excellence and achievement. That being as it is, you view relationships as being subject to the same types of rules and standards – measured by you but also by those with whom you are in relationships. What you may not realize is that your loved ones are not using the gradesheet on you that you have chosen to use on yourself. Sure, you have flaws. Who doesn’t? Any decently intelligent person knows that about you before they enter into a relationship with you. And yet they still enter the relationship. It sounds very simple, but sometimes you might just need to stop and realize that.

Now, about the deeper flaws…the ones that are unique to you and you feel are your most crippling. Falling in love, choosing to love someone, and committing are all about letting go of that precious thing we cling to so dearly – control. Sure, when we relinquish control, we face an almost nauseating vulnerability that carries with it the intense urge to immediately flee the scene in favor of the nearest stone fortress. But the longer you stand there, stripped, the more comfortable you become as you give him the chance to show you that he loves what he sees in you.

Quite simply, it sounds like you have an almost debilitating fear of rejection. You chase after the things that you cannot have for that very reason…if you can never have it, it can never hurt you. You push away the things that you can have because they do carry that power. The truth of it is this: he might hurt you. He might reject you. And he might not. He might show you the kind of love you are meant to have. But if you never give him the chance, you’ll never know. Seek it out and decide if this relationship is a thing of enough worth and beauty to merit the sale of the kingdom. If it is, proceed…one little piece of you at a time.

--relationship girl

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